A500.2.3.RB- Tell your story

I hold myself to a standard of courage and responsibility. Those are two standards that have been undertones throughout my life and also define what I hold to be important. My mom named me Casey when other girls my age had, in my opinion, much more feminine and interesting names. It has been very difficult for me to find cups with my name on it when I go on vacation. Sometimes I get asked if I am a boy, I am not, and very frequently I get compared to: Casey at the bat, Casey Jones or Casey Kasem.  Obviously it took me a while to warm to my name. I asked why I was named Casey and my mom simply responded that she liked the name. I told my mom I wanted to be a rock star named Shelly. What neither of us could ever have known is how important my name would be to who I am. Casey means brave, valorous and vigilant/watchful. I would not say I am necessarily brave. In fact, I think I am generally afraid of most things, sometimes irrationally, and would rather run away if it is an available option. But at a young age I was faced with two very large, life changing events that I could not hide from or avoid, my mother died when I was eight and my father died when I was thirteen. Being a Casey might be a talisman and a gift that allowed me to adopt courage and out of necessity I found responsibility.

Who I am and how I acquired those standards was shaped by the enormity of losing a parent, in my case both parents. I do not think there was any way not to be changed from it. It made me see life and the world in such a blinding way that I could no longer be shielded at an age where conciliation was still an acceptable part of growing up. There has not been a day of my life that I do not continue to feel the affects of being without my parents. It seems that courage is the ability to do something that frightens people and responsibility is the duty to deal with something. Courage was such a theme in my life because I had to face the truth of loss. I lost my natural support system, part of my childhood and part of my future. Instead of being incapacitated with grief, it took courage to understand life and to allow myself to heal. You become faced with a choice of how to respond to such devastation. I had the courage to choose to wake up every day and try to live my life to the best of my ability, to become a whole person that would make my parents proud. I felt an overwhelming since of responsibility from my circumstance, as well.

I think early on I felt like I had to be responsible for myself in almost every way because my parents were not physically present to shoulder the responsibility for me. I felt as if I had to do well so that the adults around me wouldn’t attribute any areas with problems as a side effect to my loss. I also felt deeply and personally that I did not want people to know of my loss from my actions because I did not want to be pitied, appear weak or ever use it as an excuse. I realize now from reading the course text (Nosich 2012) I was afraid of other people’s assumptions so I did not want my behavior or personal performance in anything to give way to cause to make an assumption about me. I made sure that from the beginning of my day to the end of my night, from home to school, that I took care of myself. I was sure to be clean, groomed, dressed, homework finished, well-behaved, sociable, and involved with activities; day in and day out. It sounds weird to say, but I felt like it was my job to survive. I also felt it was not enough to merely go on existing, but also to thrive.

Over time, I see that those standards are still omnipresent but as I have changed and grown as a person and into my adult life that they serve me differently. I was curious about these standards that I have purported to be present through my actions, so I actually contacted three of my friends that I have been the closest with and known the longest so that I could acquire a different point of view, which was inspired by the text Learning to think things through.  I was curious what standards they might identify through my actions and wanted an unbiased response, free of the standards I had already chosen. So I posed the question, “If you had to identify standards that I hold myself to, does anything come to mind?” Upon receiving the answers, I was relieved that I was on an accurate path in identifying these standards. Though I was not out right told “courage” and “responsibility”, I was reminded that I am always true to myself and never feel that I need to give in to any type of peer pressure. I will also share that I was euphemistically told I do not take “anything” off of anyone.  Although I am aware that I hold myself to standards of responsibility and courage, it was a great reinforcement to have that feedback. It takes courage, even as an adult, to decline participating in office gossip, refrain from fruitlessly complaining about office policy changes, proudly be who I am when it is maybe a little offbeat from those around me, to recognize when I have been wrong, I stand up for myself and stand up and tell friends not to drive when it is in their best interest not to take the wheel.

Reflecting on my standard of responsibility, I think is a bit of a two sided coin. In one instance, I am conscientious and aware of what is asked of me when undertaking tasks and the necessity of being thorough, that excuses are not an acceptable part of completion of my work. I do what is expected without having to be looked after. Conversely, I often find myself dismayed at others for not adhering to the same standard of being responsible for themselves, their actions, their words and their work.  If anything, I would like to think of myself as a living example of courage and responsibility to inspire those around me to be the best versions of themselves and to also to look within and see that they can be those things, too.

Reference: Nosich, G. M. (2012). Learning to think things through: A guide to critical thinking across the curriculum (4th ed.). Boston, MA: Pearson.