When you communicate with someone
what do you think it is you are doing? Are you sharing a verbal recounting of
an experience, venting, listening, or being a good friend? Maybe you think you
are just chattering about with no real meaning beyond passing the time. Is that
what your words say? Is that what your body says? Are you sure?
I used to have great posture from
dance. I would receive compliments on how I stood up straight. Becoming an
adult I saw many regular dance opportunities disappear and have struggled to
find another exercise I like. I just cannot connect and so I just do not do it regularly.
This has made my body change and how I feel about myself. Social kinesics is
the way you communicate through the use of your body. Within each culture lies
a non-verbal understanding of a set of gestures or postures. Now that I am not
as self assured about my instrument of communication, my body, I have found
myself not standing up straight. I cross my arms and hold them into myself in
an attempt to appear smaller, more compact. When I speak to someone else, what I
am likely communicating to them is that I don’t care about what they have to
say, when truly, I feel like I need to control my body in a way that I approve
of so I can be socially accepted enough to be spoken to through the eyes of
another. I am becoming more conscious of this growing bad habit to stop it
before I become so off putting the only true reason no one would want to speak
to me is that I seem rude and disinterested.
A suggestion to improve this is
to uncross your arms, let them easily rest beside you. It is possible you may
want to speak to someone with your palms facing out so that you can even subtly
communicate your level of trustworthiness. There are so many defensive positions
we can take that make us closed off and the key is to learn to open up so that
we send the right message. Another prominent way that I communicate with others
is my facial expressions. I do not have a poke face. You can tell everything I
am thinking or feeling because my face will betray me every time. I like to
think it is a modifier that keeps me honest because why risk saying one thing and
tell on yourself in the process?
In my experience when I am
communicating with someone who is incongruent with their body language,
paralanguage and metamessages I quickly enter attack and destroy mode. There is
nothing like perceiving being back talked that boils my blood. You will see this
on my face, the way I title my head, twist my mouth, give attitude through my
shoulders, cock one leg, push out one hip, lift an arm to my hip and strum my
fingers. I might as well have a cat tail to thump around with my distaste.
It is rather unfortunate that the
very person I have lived with for nine years should be inducted in the bad body
language hall of fame. I am constantly blaming him for giving me a look, being
hasty, being rude, back talking me and other numerous paralanguage and
metamessaging issues. It is hysterical when Joey from friends tells Ross that
he is sorry with air quotations because he does not understand the true meaning
behind his actions. Comedy often uses these incongruences to deliver their
humor. In person, it just does not translate to being so cute when you have it unfold
right in front of you. I have explored acting, being inducted into my thespian
troupe in high school, so I feel I have mastered understanding the tools of “act
and react” and what seems like normal, congruent messages. I feel like I have
an aptitude in understanding the subtleties of non-verbal communication. The
rhythm and pitch in which he will tell me: “Okay, I am sorry. I care, so I will
never do that again” seems full of smarminess. If you break apart that
statement it can be read many ways. It can cause a lot of arguments. He often
thinks he is picked on at work and I often ask are you sure you didn’t accidentally
earn it? Considering feedback, even in the most volatile forms, may be the best
place to start to examine if there is anything going on that you are telling other
people. What do you say to others when your eyes aren’t watching your body and
your ears are not listening to your verbal modifiers, volume and pitch? It
could be more than you think.
Reference: McKay, M. P., Davis,
M. P., & Patrick, F. (2009). Messages: The communication skills book. Oakland:
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
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